12.02.2009

EPIC FAIL!



National Novel Writing Month is over and I failed horribly. I got to 2,571 words and lost all motivation and inspiration. However I thought I'd share my attempt with you, please let me know what you think...

I sorted through the junk in my room frantically. I needed to keep my hands busy. No, I needed to sort my life out. What the hell had my life come to? What was I doing? Was I really so trashy? Sienna “Trashy” Taylor, which suits me well at the moment I think. The past few days had been the most insane of my life. During the 48 hours I had not slept a wink and had managed to take five pregnancy tests. All showed the inescapable evidence that I was in fact pregnant. I had not told a soul.

It started in a bungalow. This was in truth just a fancy word to describe the tin shed my boyfriend lived in. The grey cold tin surroundings contrasted our hot, raw physical emotion. That cold winter night was so sweet; our sticky, clumsy, romantic, first time sex left us feeling exhilarated. I remember his naked body against mine, radiating pure passion. The look on his face as I touched his skin, anticipating nervously what was next.

Looking back we were both extremely stupid, we acted on impulse and not common sense. The passion we felt that night gave way to what we knew was smart and right. We were not prepared and didn’t stop to think of the consequences.

Then, I couldn’t even begin to imagine telling anyone. I remember thinking, I’m only nineteen; it’s too soon for me to have to deal with this. But eventually I just had to bite the bullet and tell someone. I figured if I was going to tell anyone it had to be Ethan my boyfriend. I dreaded that moment the most, I was always so scared that he wouldn’t look at me the same way or loose interest in me because he’d realize we made a big mistake. And I’d just remind him of everything he regretted.
Couples have broken up over much less. Sure, he’d be a complete jerk if he did break up with me and leave me pregnant. But for some reason It was always lurking in the back of my mind.

However when I told him he reacted completely different to how I imagined it. Sure enough he was incredibly shocked and devoid of any of his usual humor and wit, but he was extremely considerate and as rational as a person can be in that kind of situation. It was strange, it was almost as if he saw it coming or had been worrying about it ever since we had sex. Or perhaps I was just reading way too much into his shaken state.

He told me
“Sienna, I love you. This is huge, but you don’t have to worry about loosing me, we will stick together through this, no matter what happens”
Although I couldn’t help thinking that’s what he felt like he had to say. I was still petrified at the idea of loosing him. He was everything to me but maybe he would’ve been better off if he had gone with Amanda all that way back 3 years ago.

I know I’m definitely not the greatest girl on the planet to be around and I act like a stubborn child a lot of the time, especially when I’m in an argument. My hair is constantly a mattered brown fuzzy mess and I look rubbish without makeup. I obsess over strange things that nobody understands, and I have the worst posture known to man kind. I just guess Ethan can see past all of that, somehow. Sometimes not even I myself can see through that. I don’t understand myself at all and feel like I’m heading nowhere. The only thing that ever makes sense to me is him. I guess that’s why it mattered so much to me when he so understood this mess and what we had created.

That night I wept in his arms like never before. The heat from his body protected me from the outside world and his embrace kept me from falling apart. My eyes ached and my head and face throbbed. I was raw with emotion and confusion, but somehow just being in his arms numbed the pain. I was able to be still for a while, just simply lying still in his arms. It was a kind of peaceful moment resting my head amongst the madness.

Of course it was a different story as daylight broke. Ethan’s younger brothers decided to pelt rocks at the bungalow at 8.30 in the morning. We were woken to large thuds on the tin roof. Naturally Ethan marched half naked out there and threatened them with a cricket bat lying in the yard and they ran back into the house. I had no energy to argue about it, I was too tired and emotionally drained. Kids should’ve been the last thing on my mind, yet it was all I could think about, that and telling my parents. They were going to completely freak!
Logically I avoided them for the rest of the day. After telling Ethan, I couldn’t deal with any more stress. I figured they would know eventually and that I might as well tell them when I am as psychologically prepared for their reaction as possible.

Of course it makes it harder because of the fact that I hardly share anything with them. Their so called “sex talks” don’t even involve the words “sex” or “penis” or “vagina”. It just involves “Are you and Ethan getting serious?” and “Don’t go making any bad decisions” and “stay safe”. They were the kind of parents who you were scared to discuss anything serious with. I couldn’t even get the guts to tell them I wanted my nose pierced, let alone tell them I was pregnant despite their warnings.

I spent the rest of the day with Ethan just sleeping and watching Foxtel, neither of us had the will or energy to get up and face the world that day. His arms were my hide away and that was where I was staying. I didn’t care if the rain outside was seeping into his bungalow or that the smell of his incense were making me feel sick. I just wanted to stay there forever in ignorant bliss, hoping that all my problems would just go away.

Eventually I had to come out of hiding and back into the real world .When I got home the shit hit the fan. My parents had somehow found one of the pregnancy tests I had tried to skillfully hide. Mum hit the roof; she screamed at me and told me I was a “disgrace”, she tore shreds off me. Dad just sat there, in some sort of angry, disbelieving state. I couldn’t handle it, I just had to get out. Away from the nightmare I had created. I still had no clue what I was going to do about it but after the storm I packed my bags and headed for Lilly’s house. She was my best friend. I had to see her. She would understand more than anyone else.

I caught the bus to Lilly’s place; the bus driver glared at me and didn’t say a word. If he did I probably would’ve bitten his head off. I was in no mood for stupid polite formalities. I gave him some coins and my ticket rolled out of the machine. I took my seat on probably the most uncomfortable seat on the whole bus, next to an old Asian man who was sleeping as there were no other seats left. Everyone was returning home from work. That was probably the most uncomfortable bus ride of my life. I tried to hold back my tears until I got to Lilly’s stop and the doors flung open.

I got out and the bus sailed away, I fell to my knees and began crying. I cried for what had just happened, I cried for my mistakes and I cried for everything that was going to happen, whatever that was.

Once I had dealt with my little break down I walked to Lilly’s house. The path was lined with flowers from peoples gardens, reminding me of better times when we collected them together and shoved them in grumpy neighbors letterboxes. I walked up her path which contrasted the floral scene with its rugged Australian bush feel and stony path and I knocked on her door. Her mum answered, she didn’t like me very much, I was seen to be a bad influence on Lilly, simply because I had the company of to many boys.

“Hi, sorry to just call in like this” I muttered. “But is Lilly home?”

There was a long awkward pause.

“Sure, come in, she’s in her room” she replied.

I bolted for her room as fast as I could, fearing more tension between us and more uncomfortable conversations about boys or the lack thereof.
The slam of Lilly’s bedroom door scared the life out of her. I swear she almost attacked me with the coat hanger in her hand.

“Geez Sienna, what’s going on?” She yelled at me.
I slumped onto her tiny bed.

“Okay, I have something huge to tell you” I said.

“But you have to promise not to tell a soul” She nodded.

“Fuck okay, uhhhh” I was struggling for the words. “I’m pregnant!” It just burst out of my mouth.

“Shit!” She cried. “Are you serious, this is huge! Are you okay?”

I nodded.

“My parents completely went psycho though. Is it okay if I stay here? I think I just need a friend right now you know?” She hugged me as I began to cry. I told her about Ethan’s reaction; about how insecure I felt and about how completely scared I was of everything changing. Then I cried a lot more.

I don’t even know how but after that I ended up falling asleep on her bed. I woke up with her squished silently beside me. I assumed she was asleep. I decided to get up to give her some room. As soon as I started to move she squirmed.

“Morning” she said. “I’ve actually been waiting for you to wake up”

“Oh sorry” I said.

“No problem, I actually wanted to talk to you.” She grinned. “I was thinking that we need to sort out what is happening with you today. We need to just spend the day sorting out what you want and how to go about it. Sound good?”

“You mean like figure out if I want to keep the baby?”

“Uhh yeah”

I didn’t even know where to begin. My head was one big cloudy, murky mess and there seemed like no way out of it. I didn’t even know how to act anymore let alone what I was going to do about my stupid chaotic life. My parents were right I was a disgrace and now I felt more alone than I had ever been. Sure I had my best friend with me but no amount of company was going to keep me from feeling like nobody understood. I was alone with a million voices running through my head.

The silence from Lilly was enough. I rolled out of bed, grabbed my phone and headed to the bathroom. I had to call Ethan. Surely he wasn’t coping either. The weight of the news would’ve been enough to nearly kill him.

I typed in his number and the phone began to ring. After a while he picked up.
“Hello” He said in his classic sleepy voice. It was obvious I had just woken him up.
“Hey! Sorry I woke you” I said. “I’m just kinda freaking out a bit aren’t you? I mean what are we gonna do? I think we need to talk about this. Can you meet me sometime today?”

He yawned.

“Yeah… Actually I have been freaking out, and I’ve been so worried about you. Do you want to meet at about 12 at the tea and coffee shop we both love so much? I need to know you’re alright and we need to talk this though I think.”

“Yeah sounds great, I love you. Hang in there gorgeous, bye”

“Love you too, bye”

12oclock rolled around fast enough; I was sitting at “The Mad Hatters Lil Tea Cup” waiting for him. The longer I waited the more the Alice in Wonderland style tea and coffee shop taunted me, with its novelty tea cups and kettles poking out from every place possible. Under normal circumstances I would’ve enjoyed the very kitsch surroundings, but today it mocked me. 12.15 rolled on through, Ethan always ran on his own time frame, no matter what the circumstance. Normally I’d try to laugh it off but today it infuriated me. How could he be late to something like this? I was drowning in my own infuriated, troubled state when he walked in.

“I’m so, so sorry I’m late Sienna” He said as he stumbled over some chairs and almost fell upon a waiter with white rabbit ears on. His clumsiness seemed to lighten the situation somewhat.
He sat down on the intricate vintage style chair in a very awkward manner. Even more awkward than this was the conversation that was yet to come. I had been fighting with myself over what to say and now that the moment had come I couldn’t even bare to mutter a single word. I had to force myself to. We couldn’t just sit here in silence with all the things that needed to be said circling around my brain.

“I know this is overwhelming” I muttered. “But we have to stick through this, and work out what our options are” I knew what the options were; either keep this thing from growing inside me or have a baby. But I felt like I couldn’t even bare to bring up the topic.

“Yeah, I know this is hard but I guess we have to just start talking” He said as he grabbed my hand.

“I don’t think we are ready for it, am I right?” he said. “I mean, we are both confused, fucked up teenagers, if we brought a baby into all that it would be the most fucked up baby of all.”

“I know, but to think that there is a potential for a living breathing thing inside me is crazy and destroying that seems unspeakable. Even if it may be the best thing for us right now, I don’t know it’s just so confusing and overwhelming” The words just spilled out of me and I couldn’t help it. It was like all the things worrying me just needed to escape me and I couldn’t stop it or keep it trapped inside me any longer.

“I know this is hard, but we need to come to a decision, we need to decide on what is right for us and nobody else. People are going to judge us no matter what we decide to do, so it’s important that we stick through this together.”

I sighed.

“I don’t think I can do this. I’m not ready. I’m not supposed to have a baby at only nineteen”

“So what do we do?” He asked. “This isn’t just going to go away if we wish our hardest.”

“I know… I think we have to look up a place that will help us deal with this.”

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