Emotional Confusion

I've been arguing with myself for quite a long while over what I should post next and if I should post about this particular subject.
I guess now I have the guts to post about it.
It's been something that has been bothering me for a while, but I've always tried to ignore it.
It only recently started to upset me when my boyfriend posted his latest blog post.
But first I guess I better explain what I am trying to say.

My boyfriend is into Occult Magic, and by "into" I mean he is a practicing Occult Magician, and to be quite honest it freaks the hell out of me.
At first I didn't even know about it. It was hinted to me by his closest friends, but I always seemed to ignore it, thinking it was just him and his friends showing off.
Then he confirmed that he was into it even before he ever met me.
I didn't know what to think, and I still don't. For a while I've tried to ignore it in the hope that it won't be a problem in my life. But lately it's been confusing me.
It's like a whole other part of him that I don't know and will never understand.

His recent blog post about Magic and his room really freaked me out. It made me see what else goes on in that room, (the room I practically live in half the time). The magic practices he does that are so far away from what I understand and far away from the guy I fell in love with.
Not to mention the fact that I don't know if it's hurting him emotionally or making him better.
I love him with everything I have. But I don't know how to react to this. I don't even know If I believe in half of what he believes in so strongly. I don't know if I should completely hate it, or keep on ignoring it, and I know I won't ever understand it.
I'm just really confused about what to do.
Not only because of the way I feel, but because of the way Nat and I impact each others lives.
I don't want to be a burden.


  1. Hi Sheray,

    I'm not sure if any of this will be useful or not. If you wanted someone else's take on it feel free to contact me over at my gmail charlie[dot]twist[at]gmail[dot]com. You can add it as chat or just email. Nat and I are both on the same path just approached from two totally opposite directions. There's a lot of what he does that I just kind of look at him and go "...yeah, ok" over but I'll probably have an easier time explaining it a few boyfriends and numerous friends later than he will.

    For what it's worth Nat is one of the most mature and skilled magico's I've come across. Also one of the most balanced. And I'm comparing him with people in their 30's and 40's and upwards. He's really got his shit together.

    In general you have to figure out most of this for yourself, but if it's just because you don't understand it and it freaks you out do ask questions. Do feel free to slap people upside the head when they go off on some long winded tangent too.

    And the person and the magician aren't two separate things. He may keep his actual practice private, most people do, but it's the same person.

    I hope that's helpful and hasn't come out sounding condescending (apparently my writing does that :/ ) and feel free to contact me if it'll help at all.

  2. I wouldn't worry about Nat's magic-making. It's not any more dangerous than other religions. I haven't seen him often enough (for a while...Nat, when the fuck are you going to come to Northcote?) to make a rational judgement of his psychological state, but I'd say he's going through a bit of a rough patch and uses magic as an outlet (in much the same way I use TV shows as my 'escape'). My recommendation would be to be supportive, but not overtly fussy.

  3. ayahuasca. Then you'll understand.


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